Balancing Ministry and Parenting

Allow us to begin with a quote.

One of the easiest ways to get a group of ministers to shift uncomfortably with guilt is to ask them how their families are coping with ministry.

Craig Hamilton. Wisdom in Ministry.

Ministry is a high calling, demanding immense energy, time, and emotional investment. The sacrifices a minister is called to make produce a very challenging question.

How does the family fit in to such a life?

Too often, ministers and their spouses are pulled in opposite directions, trying to be present for both their congregation and their children; sometimes feeling they are failing at both. As you can imagine (or you’ve experienced yourself), many ministers experience the sharpest tension on Sundays.

For us, parenting four young children at church was so much more difficult than managing them at home or in the park! The demands of ministry—preaching, leading services, running programs, and engaging with the congregation—collide with the needs of young children. Let’s be honest, little ones often struggle to sit still; they feel the absence of their parent, who’s up front on stage, or they crave attention after a long morning at church. It’s especially difficult when those you’ve invited for Sunday lunch simply don’t engage with the kids or later, when your own children won’t help out with your efforts at hospitality.

BEING THE CHILD OF A MINISTER

Ministers' children often face unique pressures, shaped by both the expectations of the church and the demands of ministry life.

One of the greatest challenges is unrealistic expectations. They are often assumed to be spiritually mature, well-behaved, and knowledgeable about theology simply because of their parents’ role. Many feel the weight of needing to ‘know the right answers’ and behave impeccably, leading to pressure or resentment. One of our children was once told by a church leader to ‘do better because you’re Gareth and Claire’s child’.

It can also be lonely. Congregations may assume ministers' families are well-supported, yet they can feel isolated. People may be hesitant to befriend them, perhaps even feeling a bit intimidated by their position as a minister’s child. In addition, they often struggle to find peers who truly understand their life experience.

Ministers' children often feel overlooked yet scrutinised. While their needs may be sidelined due to their parents’ responsibilities, they also live in a ‘goldfish bowl’, with their behaviour constantly observed. At the same time, they may hear criticism of their parents, leaving them unsure of how to respond to negative comments about someone they love. We’ve known of church leaders who’ve had to step down from their positions. What does that do to the child(ren)? How do they view God after such an experience?

Their lives are shaped by someone else’s schedule. Pastoral emergencies and ministry commitments can mean missing out on family time or social events, reinforcing the feeling that church always comes first. One of our children once said to me (Gareth), ‘Dad, you meet regularly, one-to-one, with so many people. Why don’t you do that more with me?’. Ouch!

Pastors’ kids may also struggle with the confidentiality factor, hearing sensitive information they must keep private without knowing how to process it. Finally, they may be forced into stereotypes, either expected to be perfect, or dismissed as rebellious.

When a minister comes to understand these challenges, seeing them clearly and recognising their impact, they can take action to support their children with grace. They are better able to ensure their child(ren) feel valued not for their role in ministry but simply as beloved members of the family.

SHIFTING THE PERSPECTIVE

The goal of reflecting on these tensions isn’t to induce guilt but to encourage a healthier balance. Ministry will always be demanding, but it is possible to create rhythms that allow both church and family to thrive. More importantly, when we feel weak or we think we’re failing, we can rest in the reality that God’s grace is sufficient for us. Our struggles as ministry families are not signs of failure but invitations to rely more deeply on him. Here are a few key principles to consider.

REFRAME YOUR CALLING

Ministry is not just about serving the church—it also includes shepherding your family well. Your role as a parent and spouse is part of your ministry, not something in competition with it. When we reframe our perspective, we begin to see that faithfulness at home is just as significant as faithfulness in church leadership. When done well, in God’s strength, these twin roles can enhance each other. Parent and minister aren’t incompatible roles but mutually supportive.

INVOLVE YOUR FAMILY IN MINISTRY, BUT WITH BALANCE

Rather than ministry being something that takes you away from your family, look for ways to involve your children in ways that are age-appropriate and enjoyable for them. This could be small acts of service, being part of the church’s social life, or simply seeing their parents enjoy ministry. However, be mindful not to impose expectations on them that create pressure.

BE HONEST ABOUT THE CHALLENGES

One of the most powerful things ministry parents can do is to acknowledge the difficulties rather than pretending everything is fine. Talk with your spouse and children about the challenges, and give them permission to express frustrations and emotions honestly. It’s okay to say, ‘This is hard, and we’re figuring it out together.’ Claire is known in our family for asking, ‘What can I pray for you, darling?’ Unsurprisingly, prayer works and what’s going on in heads and hearts is brought into the light.

FIND SUPPORT AND COMMUNITY

Ministry can feel isolating, but you are not alone. Seek out relationships with other ministry families who understand the unique challenges you face. Encourage open conversations with trusted friends, mentors, or counsellors. Remember, asking for help is not a sign of weakness but of wisdom.

MODEL GRACE, NOT PERFECTION

Your children don’t need perfect parents; they need parents who model grace. When you mess up - when ministry gets too busy, when you snap under pressure, when you miss an important moment- be quick to apologise and show them what it looks like to rely on God’s grace. Demonstrating humility and dependence on God is one of the best gifts you can give your children.

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SUPPORTING YOUR CHILDREN IN MINISTRY LIFE

Parenting while in ministry involves all the usual Christian parenting principles—grace, gospel-centred conversations, prayer, and nurturing faith—but with added pressure. The unique challenges of ministry life can amplify the complexities of raising children.

Here are some things we’ve found helpful.

TEACH KIDS TO LOVE THE CHURCH

Children who engage with a diverse, multigenerational church family are more likely to remain faithful into adulthood. Ministry kids need a robust theology of the church, recognising it as a bunch of ‘sinners limping toward glory’, while at the same time vital, glorious, and part of God’s plan. Helping children appreciate this truth can shape their view of faith and community.

PRACTICE SABBATH AS A FAMILY

Ministry can be draining, making rest essential. Prioritising a family Sabbath—a time to delight in God, his grace, and creation—can restore joy to a family. Though challenging to implement, it’s a practice that models trust in God.

RECOGNISE EACH CHILD’S UNIQUE JOURNEY

Ministry impacts children differently—some thrive, others feel pressured, and some wrestle with faith. Parents must provide individualised support, recognising their children’s distinct needs and struggles. Proactively praying with and for them helps reveal their spiritual concerns and fosters open communication.

At this point, it’s worth acknowledging that, sadly, our children’s journeys may sometimes lead them away from the Lord. Witnessing this can be heartbreaking and difficult, and it often exposes deep vulnerabilities in parents—especially those in ministry roles. It’s important to make sure our children know that they are loved, no matter the direction they’re heading, and we should remember that God is often at work in their hearts in ways we might not expect or choose.

If you are a minister and your child refuses to attend church, be sure to engage in open dialogue. Take their personality, age, and stage of life into account. Pray for wisdom, and aim to respond thoughtfully rather than reacting purely out of emotion.

EMBRACE SACRIFICE

Good parenting requires sacrifices—less study time, allowing beloved quiet times to become ‘noisy times’ with family for some seasons, and clear boundaries with the congregation. These all help. Sometimes sliding off a tight schedule to allow for small, intentional moments of connection, like truly listening to a child’s concerns, convey deep love and security. When you make those kinds of sacrifices, they are worth their weight in gold.

SEE STRUGGLE AS SPIRITUAL GROWTH

Being a pastor’s child isn’t easy, but difficulties can lead to growth. Struggles drive kids to rely on God, strengthen family bonds, and deepen faith. Rather than fearing challenges, parents can embrace them as opportunities for spiritual formation.

A FINAL ENCOURAGEMENT

Ministry families will always face unique pressures, but they are not without hope. If you’re in ministry yourself, rather than shifting uncomfortably with guilt, may I encourage you to shift towards a healthier, grace-filled approach to balancing ministry and family. As you serve your congregation, I urge you to remember that your role is also to nurture the small church within your home. They are both a part of your sacred calling.

If you’re struggling with these tensions, please know that you’re not alone. Seek support, pray for wisdom, and trust that God is working in both your ministry and your family. He is not asking you to choose between the two—he is inviting you to be faithful in both, resting in his unfailing grace.