I Can't Be Honest

I’ve been supporting church leaders around the U.K. for twenty years. That’s enough time to get a good sense of the major challenges many of them face. Today, I’d like to address two in particular.

1. A LEADER BECOMES OVERWHELMED

There may be a whole raft of factors. Here are some examples.

• Progressive job creep so their hours have become unsustainable.

• The expectation has developed that they can fulfil a whole range of roles they never signed up for, and for which they do not possess the gifts.

• They have developed an unsustainable number of close, personal relationships that are draining them of their energy.

• They are unable to adapt to the decreasing amount of energy they have as they age. As a result, they try (vainly) to run at the pace they managed fifteen years ago.

• They disciple others, but they are isolated, without anyone to disciple them.

  
  

The list could go on and on.

Many of the factors will often coalesce into a toxic, and potentially explosive, mixture unless there are others to provide a robust support system. Recently, I’ve had several conversations with leaders during which it has become clear that unless there is a change, the burdens they’re carrying will eventually crush them. They’re simply unsustainable. Yet, on each occasion, I’ve received the same response: I cannot renegotiate the terms of my employment because the church will say I’m the one who signed up for the job and I’m paid to do it. In other words, there is no way forward except to keep juggling the impossible, because a confrontation would just make things worse. Feeling that there is no way to renegotiate impossible expectations and demands, self-destruction (while trying to look outwardly serene, in control, and competent) feels like the path of least resistance.

2. A LEADER FACES A PASTORAL OR DISCIPLINARY SITUATION WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO EXPLAIN THE DETAILS TO THE CHURCH

A leader knows that a decision they have no choice but to take will lead to criticism, but they’re unable to defend themselves. This might be due to the need to maintain confidentiality among other reasons.

RUSSELL

Meet Russell.

He’s an elder, who thinks that the pastor is bullying the church manager. This isn’t true—if anything, the manager is behaving badly—but Russell has begun to spread this rumour around the church. By contrast, the leader doesn’t say anything, because . . .

a) He believes gossip is damaging.

b) He knows that anything he says will likely make things worse.

He’s confronted Russell, but Russell is having none of it. He says he’s just telling the truth. And so the rumour spreads and when questioned, the leader’s silence makes him look weak and evasive.

Two examples, then, of leaders being overwhelmed or facing unfair attack without the ability to defend themselves.

DEFENCELESS LEADERS

What do these two things have in common?

In both cases, the leader struggles with circumstances that are debilitating, and there doesn’t seem like any kind of resolution. Which leaves them stuck. But not only that, they’re also vulnerable by dint of being unprotected, and because no one knows what they’re facing, no one can come to their aid.

They’re defenceless.

The result of this is that there is often a big difference between their public persona and their private struggle. In the case of being overwhelmed, they feel they can’t be honest and open because it potentially damages them and their ministry. In the case of being attacked, they keep silent to avoid hurting other people and the wider church.

In my experience, I think both of these are relatively common.

Sooner or later, all those in Christian ministry will find themselves in one or both of these situations. When both happen at the same time it is especially devastating. Often, leaders find out if their support networks (their scaffolding, if you like) are robust enough only when confronted by these challenges. In many cases, sadly, they aren’t, but by then it’s too late.

Most leaders are happy and fulfilled as they begin their lives in ministry. This is frequently described as a honeymoon period, with the rather cynical expectation that it won’t last. What makes this heartbreaking is that ministers begin with such optimism. They assume that things will turn out well, never imagining the dangers ahead; hence they rarely prepare for the worst by establishing a support network sufficiently robust to provide the help they need.

When the work begins so well, why would you?

Does a sailor lash the rigging to the deck in the middle of a storm? Of course not. They tie everything down before the storm arrives. It’s almost impossible, then, for a leader to find adequate support once the storm hits. But worse than that, a leader has often come to lean on the very environment that has later become toxic. It started out so positive and supportive, but now this ‘scaffolding’ has become unreliable and perhaps even threatening.

One of the factors that is most debilitating for leaders is the discovery that the support on which they relied is unsafe. So, at the moment when a leader is facing the most serious difficulties and challenges, they find out that the people on which they relied are now unreliable, maybe even a threat to their job.

And there is no alternative in place.

This happens exactly when the leader needs support the most.

LACKING BOUNDARIES

This is made worse by the inability of many in Christian ministry to set appropriate boundaries between the different areas of their lives. As a result, work, leisure, community, personal spiritual life, family life, and church, all merge together. Therefore, anything that damages ‘church-as-support-structure’ has the potential to damage all the other areas as well, areas that for anyone else would be separate from difficulties in the workplace. This is sometimes not for want of trying. Is it any wonder that many Christian leaders become rather cagey when trying to draw boundaries around their personal lives? They have a lot more to lose than most people if things go wrong in their ministry sphere, as it can snowball into unforeseen problems in every other area of life.

PREPARE FOR THE STORM

Do you see a storm on the horizon? Be assured, sooner or later, a storm will come.

If you’re a leader, then, it’s essential to set up your support network while the seas are calm. The following are some suggestions that work well whether the sun is shining or the storm clouds are gathering. They’re helpful in all weathers.

• Be a member of a prayer-filled, worshiping ‘fraternal’ (or female equivalent (i)) of real depth.

• Establish good rhythms, habits, and patterns of rest, refreshment, and worship.

• Find a mentor. (We offer mentor support at Living Leadership)

• Maintain real friendships with people who genuinely care for you.

• Join an accountability group for leaders (and spouses) outside your ministry context.

• Seek opportunities for personal and professional development.

• Ensure clarity with the church about expectations. On both sides—what the church expects and what you can expect, usually set out in a clear job description. This is best done before the job begins, not once problems develop.

• Make sure there’s clarity about how to renegotiate those expectations when necessary. Again, before the job begins, not after.

  
  

Most of all, develop a healthy team.

It is hard for a paid minister to talk about everything with unpaid church officers. For one thing, it is unusual for officers to understand the leader’s job (even if they think they do). There is just so much you only get to understand from the inside. And second, the relationship isn’t a hundred percent symmetrical. A paid minister struggling with a pattern of sin feels far more vulnerable than an unpaid elder or church warden with the same struggle.

Nevertheless, a healthy and supportive team—especially elders (or equivalent)—that prays together, is dedicated to each other, and loves each other well is essential. In John’s gospel, Jesus told us how the world would recognise us.

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

John 13.34-35

A healthy, godly team learns to love.

And as leaders draw close to others with whom they lead, these relationships develop a robustness that helps unlock the necessary honesty and transparency, that stop toxic situations from turning into explosive ones.

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(i) ‘Fraternals’ is a word most often associated with male leaders in ministry. Female leaders need exactly the same kind of support group, whatever name it is given.